Sex Slave of the Month Transcript

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This article is a transcript of GeneBernardinoLawl's edited version of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Employee of the Month" from season one.

Edited parts will be in Bold.


  • SpongeBob: Hey, faggot. Hey, faggot. Hey, faggot. Hey, faggot. Hey, faggot.
  • Squidward: All right, I'll bite. What is it, you dick-sucking faggot?
  • SpongeBob: Do you know what today is?
  • Squidward: Having sex with Dickward Day?
  • SpongeBob: [laughs] No, you dumbass! [gets out a calendar]That's on the 15th! [day is marked by a picture of Squidward's head] Today is the beginning of the judging for Sex Slave of the Month.
  • Squidward: SpongeFaggot, don't you know that award's a scam?
  • SpongeBob: What do you mean?
  • Squidward: Mr. Latino Man gives you that award so you'll work harder for no extra money.
  • SpongeBob: That is not true, you piece of shit. He gives it to me because I work harder. You could win it too, if you tried harder.
  • Squidward: Oh, for what? To get my face on the Wall of Shit? [shows wall full of SpongeBob pictures for being Sex Slave of the Month]
  • SpongeBob: Squidward, you've got it all wrong. Having pride in your work is nothing to being a skinny-ass looking motherfucka, why it's the only thing that makes it all worthwhile.
  • Mr. Krabs: That's right, bitch! This is going to be a tough one though! There's no clear cut winner! [whispering] Watch out, SpongeFaggot. Dickward appears to be on the verge of a breakout. [shows Squidward reading a magazine] There might be a new face on the wall this month.
  • SpongeBob: What? [looks over and sees the month of "January" with no picture] Aw shit!
  • Squidward: That's right, SpongeFaggot. I might sneak up on your ass. [Squidward and Mr. Krabs laugh at SpongeBob as he walks over to the wall and imagines Squidward laughing at him in the picture]
  • SpongeBob: No! Nooooooo! [begins to cry] How could I have let the quality of my work being a stupid bullshit?! [Squidward's picture continues to laugh. Scene goes to SpongeBob grilling and flipping patties until he comes to a patty that won't flip.] Son of a bitch! [He tries and tries] You son of a- [But then he flips the patty onto the ceiling. He then tries to get it off of there.]
  • Squidward: [peeks in] Whatup, bitch? [SpongeBob screams] What the hell are you doing?
  • SpongeBob: Making...Krabby Dildos?
  • Squidward: You're losing that shit! Don't you know that award is a load of... [SpongeBob gets the patty off the ceiling but he flings it into the fan and it sprays Squidward with all the meat] ...bullshit.
  • SpongeBob: [jumps off of ceiling] Please don't tell Mr. Latino Man about this! It'll hurt my chances of winning the award!
  • Squidward: I already told you, that award is a bunch of... [gets sprayed with meat again] ...bullshit!
  • SpongeBob: That is not true, you asshole. Like this hat, that award is a symbol of..
  • Squidward: [grabs SpongeBob's hat] It's a symbol that you're a dick! [SpongeBob screams, feeling scared]
  • SpongeBob: What the fuck are you doing?
  • Squidward: And this is a symbol of what I think of the 'Sex Slave of the Month' award! [Squidward lifts his foot and tries to stomp the hat flat but his foot hits something that is under the hat, screams in pain, and SpongeBob reveals the stick of lead under it]
  • SpongeBob: An experienced sex slave of the month always keeps a brick of lead in his hat.
  • Squidward: I'm telling you for the last time, that award is nothing but a bullshit! [Squidward walks away but is sprayed with meat for the last time. Then we see SpongeBob looking at all his award photos]
  • SpongeBob: What if Dickward's right? What if the award is a bullshit? Does this mean my whole body of work is meaningless?! [every award photo now has an army hat on]
  • SpongeBob Picture: Stop that kind of talk, you rat bastard! This is war now, private! That's exactly what he wants you to think! This is no time to go lily-livered on us!
  • SpongeBob: But, sir…
  • SpongeBob Picture: Shut the fuck up! He wants you to crack! He's trying to trick you, get inside your mind! You will stop at nothing, and I mean nothing to defeat his ass! Have I made myself clear, private?
  • SpongeBob: Hell yeah, bitch!
  • SpongeBob Picture: Good! Now move out! [SpongeBob marches away and then we see SpongeBob looking through his windows through binoculars while Squidward gets ready for bed]
  • SpongeBob: I won't let Dickward win! [Squidward sets his alarm] What? [Squidward walks off] He can't go to work if he doesn't wake his ass up. Target sited. [SpongeBob sneaks up to Squidward's house by sliding on the ground then through one of Squidward's windows and as he enters he falls to the ground] Ow!
  • ???: Cum in your mouth! [Squidward's hears the noise while he is brushing his teeth.]
  • Squidward: What the fuck was that?! [Squidward goes to check what it is and SpongeBob is standing behind the plant by the door.]
  • SpongeBob: What a pussy.
  • Squidward: Fuck that! [Squidward closes the door]
  • ???: Gargle! [SpongeBob slides around the door and then by Squidward's bed where the alarm clock is. He is about to grab it when he hears the door handle jiggle]
  • SpongeBob: Oh shit! OH SHIT! He hides in the pillow on the bed. Squidward gets into bed] Ow! [The bed isn't comfortable with the pillow as it is]
  • Squidward: What the fuck? Son of a bitch! [He adjusts it.] You son of a bitch!! [Tries to adjust it again and you can hear SpongeBob's giggling.] What the fuck? ... Do you hear that? ... Fuck that shit! [Squidward lays his head down and SpongeBob's hand reaches out for the clock and Squidward see it. Squidward freaks out] Go fuck yourself! [He throws the pillow against the wall.]
  • SpongeBob: Oh fuck! [The cover comes down and you can see SpongeBob]
  • Squidward: SpongeFaggot? What the fuck are you doing? [SpongeBob grabs alarm clock]
  • SpongeBob: You can't win that award if you don't get up for work!
  • ???: Smashing! [SpongeBob destroys the clock.]
  • Squidward: Hey, dumbass!
  • SpongeBob: What?
  • [Squidward has another one he is setting while he is laughing.] [SpongeBob grabs that one]
  • ???: Smashing! [SpongeBob destroys the clock.
  • Squidward: I've got more! [Squidward opens up a closet full of alarm clocks]
  • SpongeBob: What? [SpongeBob destroying some of the alarm clock one by one]
  • ???: Smashing! Smashing! Smashing!
  • Squidward: Stop it, SpongeFaggot! If I really wanted that piece of shit, I could win it with my testicles tied!
  • SpongeBob: That can be arranged.
  • Squidward: You're a stupid cunt, SpongeFaggot!
  • SpongeBob: Maybe so, but I did win 'Sex Slave of the Month' 26 thousand months in a row.
  • Squidward: Are you trying to say that you are gayer than me?!
  • SpongeBob: I've been gayer than you 26 thousand months and it'll be 2 hundred tomorrow.
  • Squidward: Oh, that's it, you stupid bitch! That's it! I'm going to show you how easy it is to win that award. I'm going to be the new 'Sex Slave of the Month'! I will prove to you that I am far more competent than your ass!
  • SpongeBob: Well, I'm going in early to fuck the bitch!
  • Squidward: Don't bother; I'll have done it already by the time you get there!
  • SpongeBob: Well, fuck you!
  • Squidward: I don't give a fuck! Asshole!
  • SpongeBob: Well, me neither! …20 thousand-time asshole! [SpongeBob and Squidward are watching each other through their window] Look at that bitch. Watchin' me.
  • Squidward: I'm watching you, SpongeFaggot. You're not leaving before me.
  • SpongeBob: Hey dick-less piece of shit, getting sleepy huh?
  • Squidward: No, how about you?
  • SpongeBob: Oh hell no! [Squidward gets out his clarinet and plays the "Eternal Pose in +1 pitch".] [Spongebob struggles to keep himself awake.] Shit! Shiiiiit! Nighty Night. [Spongebob falls asleep and starts to snore. Later, Squidward tries to walk out but falls in a very deep square hole dug up by SpongeBob right in front of his door]
  • Squidward: SpongeFaggot! [SpongeBob comes up with a shovel in his hand]
  • SpongeBob: Hello, motherfucka! Going somewhere?
  • Squidward: I'm going to wring you dry when I get out of here! Now get me out of here!
  • SpongeBob: Nobody gives a fuck!
  • Squidward: You son of a bitch!! I'm gonna kick your ass! [Squidward screams some more. Sponge walks back to bed]
  • SpongeBob: Now to get some rest. Don't want to look tired for my 'Sex Slave of the Month' photo! [SpongeBob goes to his bed and sleeps a while. Squidward manages to climb out of the hole; SpongeBob wakes up to hear some hammering] Dickward! [Squidward is nailing boards onto SpongeBob's front door]
  • Squidward: That oughta hold him! [SpongeBob saws around it] What the fuck? [SpongeBob pushes the door on Squidward and runs away. A cage drops enclosing SpongeBob and Squidward laughs.] What the fuck is your problem? Oh yeah! [SpongeBob slides out because he can fit through the bars]
  • Squidward: Hahahaha! [Squidward walks along into a bottle] What? [gets trapped] You son of a bitch! [SpongeBob writes "You're an asshole, bitch!" on the bottle with his finger in a script writing and runs away.]
  • SpongeBob: Fuck yeah! [Later he sees a Krabby Patty] Hmmm, a Krabby Dildo! [smells it but the top bun opens up and a claw comes out grabbing SpongeBob's nose] Ow! Bitch, i'mma kill you!
  • Squidward: So long, you bastard! [Squidward gets caught in a net and SpongeBob runs by laughing. SpongeBob runs through a barbed-wire fence and Squidward runs by laughing.]
  • SpongeBob: Nobody gives a fuck! [Squidward is tied by his tentacles and SpongeBob runs. SpongeBob is stuck in a brick wall and Squidward runs by laughing. Later the two are trying to drag along some big items.] Oh fuck! [SpongeBob is dragging an anchor]
  • Squidward: It hurts my cock! [Squidward is dragging a flaming boat]
  • Squidward: SpongeFaggot? Truce? [both wave a white flag]
  • SpongeBob: Truce.
  • Squidward: SpongeFaggot, I can't take it anymore. If we keep this up, neither of us will win the award!
  • SpongeBob: Damn right i'm do. We should save our energy for work where we really need it. [its now dawn]
  • Squidward: Ok, let's have a good shit fight.
  • SpongeBob: And may the better man win. [shakes hands with Squidward, now he's thinking] He's nothing but a lying, boneless, ink-squirting, big-nosed piece of shit!
  • Squidward: [thinking] Look at that buck-toothed, corn-fed smile. You can't trust him as far as you can throw him.
  • SpongeBob: [thinking] As soon as he stops shaking my cock...
  • Squidward: [thinking] ...I'm gonna make a run for it.
  • [SpongeBob and Squidward stop shaking hands, laugh nervously, and hastly run for the Krusty Krab where Mr. Krabs is opening it up]
  • Mr. Krabs: [singing "Double Team" by Tenacious D] [sees SpongeBob and Squidward come running over] Ah, it warms me wallet to see me sex slaves coming in so early. Boys, you're early! [Mr. Krabs realizes that they aren't stopping for anything] Oh shit! [both push Mr. Krabs out of the way and start taking a shit] What's going on here?!
  • SpongeBob: Taking a shit, Mr. Latino Man!
  • Mr. Krabs: No! Wait, wait, wait! Boys, stop taking a shit!

Sound Clips[edit]

  1. Faggot
  2. Having Sex
  3. Dick
  4. Dumbass
  5. Sex Slave
  6. Latino Man
  7. Stop Taking a Shit