SkateboardEditor/TTJASI

This article is a transcript of SkateboardEditor's edit of 6teen Season 1, Episode 1: Take This Job and Squeeze It.

Every edited part is in bold.

[Two girls enter the mall. One of them is a brunette in a purple top and blue jeans, while the other is a blonde in a pink top and blue skirt.] Tricia: "I am so horny I wanna get fucked." Caitlin: "Oh, I know. You are a fucking goddamn slut. Good thing boys are too." [The two girls stop and gaze at the fountain. Tricia heaves a sigh.] Tricia: "Ooh yeah. Fuckin sexy men." Caitlin: "C'mon, '''you slut." [She starts to walk into the mall, but Tricia pulls her back.] "What're you doin?" [Tricia points at the floor.] "Oh. Right. Thanks." [Caitlin follows Tricia down another route. A bald man walks on the path Caitlin was about to take and gets gobbed on by three boys ejaculating from the second floor.] Stuart Goldstein: "What the fuck?" [He feels his wet head.] "YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Blond Boy: [laughing with his friends] "You got cum on your head, faggot!"

[Tricia and Caitlin are choosing who to have sex with first.] Caitlin: "So, which dudes are you fucking?" Tricia: "I've got to find that black man with a really huge dick. Hook up after lunch for a four-way?" Caitlin: "Oh hell yeah. See ya, bitch'''." [sighing] "Ah. I'm gonna fuck that black man. Yeah."

[Nikki and Jonesy walk by genitalia. As they pass the genitalia, Jonesy dips his finger into the pubic hair, grabbing some icing and licking it off of his finger.] Jonesy: "Okay. I know it's just pubic hair, but today–" [he inhales deeply] "–I feel like more of a man." Nikki: "Oh yeah. Nothing says I get a lot of puss like havin' two pubes." Jonesy: "Fuck you. It's three." Nikki: "Oh, forgive me if I can't see you fuckin girls with a baby dick." Jonesy: "Bitch, shut the fuck up. See, with the bitches, it's all about havin a big ol dick. And I got a fat cock." [He and Nikki sit down next to Wyatt.] Wyatt: "You learn everything you know from pornography, don't you?" Jonesy: "Hell yeah." Nikki: "You know you're gonna have to find someone dumb enough to wanna fuck you first, right?" Jonesy: [leaning back in his chair] "Look at me. Do I look small?" Nikki: "Yeah." [She puts her finger on his forehead and tips him over.] Jonesy: "Ah, you bitch!" Jen: [working at the Big Squeeze] "Too bad none of you can work at the Whores Box with me, but they never hire children. I swear, it was so worth it to get the fake ID. Now they'll hire me for sure." Jonesy: "Your titties are too small." Nikki: "Yeah, men like big ol titties." Jen: "Fuck you! The point is, I won't have to ever wear this piece of shit again." Nikki: "Yeah. You look like a lesbian." Jen: "Hey, it was the only job I could get! I was not gay, remember?" Nikki: "Which is probably why you sucked that dude's dick?" Jen: "Fuck off. At least all of us will be working here together this summer." [She hears a chuckle.] "Here comes my first customer on my last goddamn day!" [She turns to the customer.] "Can I help you?" Caitlin: "A filet of fish sandwich with a half Coca-Cola half Diet Coke and no chicken since fish has less calories cause it's fish, please." Jen: [annoyed] "We don't have that bullshit." Caitlin: "Oh. I guess I'll have a...chicken sandwich, then. Do you take credit cards?" Jen: "Get the fuck out!" Caitlin: "Hey, you don't talk to me that way!" Nikki: "You're such a stupid bitch." Caitlin: "Fuck you, bitch!" [She leaves.] Jonesy: "Wow." Wyatt: "Don't I know her from somewhere?" Jen: "She goes to our school. She sucks." [sighing] "Now there's a girl who'll never have to work." Nikki: "Fuck that bitch." Jonesy: "Yeah, fuck her! That's fuckin sexy!" Jen: "She's so spoiled! She's like this only child, and both her parents are in porn or something." Jonesy: "Why should she work when she's rich? That's bullshit." Jen: "Speaking of not working, I can't believe you guys haven't put in your resumes yet! You have fucked up now." Nikki: "I know, we suck." Jen: "We made a pact that we'd all get jobs at the mall so we could get fucked up together. It's the only way I can do drugs." Jonesy: "What's the big deal? Tell yer mom to go to hell." Wyatt: "Her mom will kick her ass." Jonesy: "No."

[The mall cop is out patrolling while a blonde girl welcomes shoppers into a bustling store.] Kristen: "Welcome to the Bukkake Barn! Go fuck yourself!" [Inside the store, Chrissy and Kirsten are hard at work checking customers out. Caitlin is at the front of the line.] Kirsten: "Isn't this girl-sized dad sweater so fuckin' gay?" Caitlin: "No, you bitch." [Chrissy tries to scan Caitlin's card, but it refuses to go through.] Chrissy: [meanly] "What the fuck is this shit? Your credit card's been declined." Kirsten: "Oh hell no!" Caitlin: [waving her off] "Fuck you. Try it again." Chrissy: "Maybe you've reached your limit." Caitlin: "You're a fuckin' cunt, you fuckin' bitch" [Chrissy throws the card down and snatches away Caitlin's items. Both she and Kirsten stare at the shopper angrily.] Chrissy and Kirsten: "Fuck you." [Jude skates up to the lemon. He steps on the board and stops, catching it right in front of the store.] Jude: "Oh god, I'm so high right now." Jen: "Yer doin drugs without me!" Jude: "Relax, bitch! Check it out, I've got my resume done and everything. See?" [He holds up a semen-stained pair of pages.] Jen: "Ew. Jude. What's that goo?" Jude: "Cum. That was good masturbation." Jen: "You guys had better get out there, or you're not going to get an interview." Wyatt: "Don't be gay." Jonesy: "In case you haven't noticed, there's like ten thousand stores in this mall." Jude: "Actually, there's 936." [The friends stare at him, bemused.] Jude: "I counted one day when I was high as shit. Can't handle this without LSD." [He drops his board, gets on it, and pushes off from the Big Squeeze.] "Be back pronto." [He glides off.] Jen: "Fine." [turning to the other three] "But don't cry like a little bitch if you get stuck somewhere retarded like the taco stand for the next year." Nikki: "Uh, fuck Mexicans." Jonesy: "Hey, that's racist." Jen: "I'm just saying. The competition for the white stores is tough. Everyone wants to work at them." Jonesy: "Don't sweat it, stepsis." Jen: [angry] "Shut your goddamn mouth. Our parents are not married, they're fuckin." [The phone rings. Jen picks it up.] "What's up, my nigga?" Coach Halder: [muffled] "Masterson, at two-thirty!" Jen: "Sounds tits. I'll be there." [She hangs up.] "My interview's been bumped to 2:30. Anyone want to practice fucking?" Wyatt, Nikki and Jonesy: "Use the fuckin' dildo."

[The Bukkake Barn employees are reshelving Caitlin's attempted purchases while she talks on the phone.] Caitlin: "But Daddy, I needed that new Vespa to not look like a slut. The old one had semen all over it." Caitlin's Father: [muffled] "98.114.4.68 02:01, 2 September 2021 (UTC)." Caitlin: "Oh! Don't you call me a whore!" Caitlin's Father: [muffled] "98.114.4.68 02:01, 2 September 2021 (UTC)." Chrissy: [interrupting] "Excuse me, bitch, are you going to like, buy these clothes or not?" Caitlin: "Shut up." [She returns to her phone call.] "I do not suck everybody's fuckin' cock." Caitlin's Father: [muffled] "98.114.4.68 02:01, 2 September 2021 (UTC)?" Caitlin: "I fucking hate you."

[All five friends are gathered around the table.] Jen: "Well, I'm off to my interview. Wish me luck!" Nikki: "Like you need it. You're going to kick ass." Jen: "Hell yeah. So where's everyone gonna start?" Nikki: "Police agencies." Jonesy: "The Gigantoporn. Free pornographic movies!" Jude: "North Shore Weed & Sex Toys. Definitely." Wyatt: "Grind Me." Jen: "What the fuck did you just say?" Wyatt: "The whore house. I like the clientele. They're not goddamn sluts!" [His last comment is directed towards Jason and Joanie, who are at the moment vigorously making out.] Jude: "Do you think they'll interview us today?" Wyatt: "I don't fuckin know. Why?" Jude: "Fuck, dude, what if I fuck it up?" Jen: "Don't be a pussy. Just be fuck up, you faggot. Okay?" Jude: "Don't believe this bitch. I can kick her ass." Jonesy: "Fuck yeah!"

[Caitlin is still on the phone as the employees are putting her items back.] Caitlin: "But Daddy, how am I supposed to pay off that latino man?" [to the employees] "No wait, don't put those back." Caitlin's Father: "You stupid bitch." Caitlin: "You want me to WHAT?!? I have to get a job?!?" Caitlin's Father: [muffled] "98.114.4.68 02:01, 2 September 2021 (UTC)." Caitlin: "FUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Kirsten: "You bitch" [Kirsten comes up behind her and chops her credit card in half.] Caitlin: "You fucking bitch!" [more subdued] "Fine. I can get a job." [She sees Kristen fall off of a ladder while trying to put some pants back.] "This bitch got one. How hard can it be?" [She walks off.] Kristen: [pained] "Ow! My titties!"

[Jen is being interviewed. Coach Halder finishes scanning her resume and begins to interrogate her.] Coach Halder: "So, tell me. Why do you want to work here, bitch?" Jen: "Because I've always wanted to start my own prostitution house, and I think working here would teach me so much about whores." [We cut to Wyatt's interview, where he has been asked the same question.] Wyatt: "I spend most of my free time havin sex anyway; I figure I might as well get paid for it." [Jonesy's interview.] Jonesy: "Because the Gigantoporn is a great place to pick up horny moms." [Nikki's.] Nikki: "I need the money for coke." [The irony hits her.] "Oh shit!" [Caitlin is being interviewed.] Caitlin: "Do gays have, like, a lot of buttsex?" [Jonesy.] Interviewer: "So, where do you see yourself in five years?" Wyatt: [worried] "What the shit?" Nikki: "Not working in this shithole." Jonesy: "I know where I'd like to see myself tonight." Jude: "Smokin some weed with some black dudes in a gay bar." Wyatt: "Being dead!" Jen: "Riding my daddy's dick. And killin pimps." Coach Halder: "If you were horny, what kind of sex would you have?" [Nikki laughs.] Caitlin: "Is that the uniform you have to wear? That's really gay." Jonesy: "Blowjob." Wyatt: "I don't fuckin' know" Jonesy: "No wait! Anal sex." Caitlin: "That's fuckin gay, too." Jude: "I thought this was a sex and drugs shop." Jen: "I'd fuck my boyfriend in the ass with my strap-on, because he's my bitch." Caitlin: [hearing her phone ring] "Suck my cock. This might be important." [She answers.] Jonesy: "What was my biggest accomplishment? Getting my cock sucked by Jill Anderson." Nikki: "Riping my boyfriend's dick off." Jude: "I wanna take out a girl on her period on a dare." Jen: "Being the youngest girl to stab a pedophile." Caitlin: "I'd have to say my tight vagina." Jude: "My worst qualities. My dick and nutsack sometimes smell 'cause–" Wyatt: "I guess I don't have much patience for dudes." Nikki: "You can go fuck yourself." Caitlin: "When I was seven, My dad used to rape me in my penis" Jonesy: "I don't have any! Now, gimme some head."

[Jonesy, Nikki, Wyatt, and Jude are sitting around the table. All of them look despondent.] Jonesy: [stating the obvious] "Fuck my life." [Caitlin arrives at the table next to theirs with a huge ice cream sundae. She sits down and looks at it sadly.]

[The gang of four and Caitlin are still sitting at their tables unhappily when a joyful Jen runs up.] Jen: [cheerful] "Guess who's the new assistant white bitch at the Whores'' Box!" Nikki: "Fuck you, asshole." Jen: "What the fuck? none of you got jobs?" Jude: [lifting his head] "That was bullshit." [He lays his head back on the table.] Jen: "How bad could you have fucked up? It was just a fuckin interview." Wyatt: "You know the time I got a bitch pregnant? This was worse." Jonesy: "We were applying for part-time jobs! That was like worse than a hundred September 11ths." Wyatt: "What the fuck is wrong with you." Jonesy: "What ever, dude, it sucked." Nikki: "What are my worst qualities? Like kill yourself, bitch!" Jude: "I told them mine." Jen: [surprised] "You dumbass, how many did you give them?" Jude: "Seventeen." [realizing] "Oh fuck, was I supposed to lie?" Jen: "Guys! The right answer is 'sometimes I fuck a litttle too hard'!" Wyatt: "You goddamned bitch!" [A man in uniform peers around the corner. Spotting the teenagers, he heads towards them.] Jonesy: [noticing him] "What do you want!" [The rent-a-cop merely points to his eyes and then at them, signifying he's watching them, before walking off.] Jonesy: "Fuck your own face''!" [to the table] "Fuck that guy." Jen: "Seriously! He's got nothing better to do than fuck with everyone under 30." [calling after the cop] "Kill yourself!" Wyatt: "You met a man to kill himself before. Remember?" Jen: [panicking] "Goddammit. I'm gonna be stuck working here alone. Again!" Jude: "Aw shit, we had our whole summer planned! Now we'll never be able to see each other!" Nikki: "This is so much bullshit! Did you see the faggot running Dildo Shack? Even he has a job, and he rapes kids." Wyatt: "I can always fuck the homeless on the subway for quarters." [A sniffling one table over attracts their attention. Caitlin is still there, and has started to cry.] Caitlin: "Oh fuck me. I can't fucking do it. Shit." Nikki: "Bitch, what are you cryin about?" Caitlin: "Fuck you, punkass bitch! I'm applying for a job and I didn't get hired at any either." Nikki: "Guess all the positions for professional stupid bitch were filled." [Everyone at the table snickers.] Jen: [giggling softly] "You're a bitch." Jonesy: "We better try again, before the only job left is the taco stand." Jen: "Now I just have to find some dumbass to take my job." [realizing] "Hey! Any of you fuckers want it? I'll hire you on the spot!" [The four start walking away.] "No interview!" Wyatt: [smirking] "Fuck that shit." [Jen watches as they walk away. She then hears Caitlin crying and turns in that direction.] Jen: "So why are you applying for a job, you fuckin bitch?" Caitlin: "My dad freaked out when he got his credit card bill and now he's making me get a job or else the bastard will rape me." Jen: "What the fuck!? I'm gonna get the police''." Caitlin: "No you don't understand. My dad will kill me and my mom. I can't go to the police" Jen: [proffering a tissue] "That bad, huh?" Caitlin: "Yeah." [farting in a tissue] "I was so nervous abouth gettin raped I even knocked one manager's coffee onto his fuckin cock!" Jen: "Oh." [comforting Caitlin] "It'll be okay. Just stab your dad in the dickhead."

To be continued