Klusignolo: Squilliam Returns (edited)

This article is a transcript of ViacomCanSuckIt (Klusignolo)'s edited version of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Squilliam Returns" from season three.

Edited parts will be in Bold.
 * Squidward: Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. (looking at his watch while SpongeBob is mopping the floor) Fuck you, Mr. Krabs! And let me just say, there will come a day when I will make something of my dick, and I will never have to set foot in this piece of shit again! (a crowd of people stand up and cheer behind him)
 * Mr. Krabs: Yeah, we’ll see you after your lunch break, Squidward.
 * Squidward: Boner. (walks out)
 * Squilliam: (talking to a group of people) So, I just took my private dick across my private *beep* to my private buttcheeks. It’s the only way off my private balls.
 * Squidward: (gasps) Oh, sh**! It’s my arch rival from high school, Squilliam Fancyson! I can’t let him see me in my Krusty Krab uniform. (takes off his hat and is about to put it in the trashcan)
 * Squilliam: On your lunch break, eh, Squiddy?
 * Squidward: Dick...I mean boner...I mean...uhh, uhh, hey, whatcha been up to?
 * Squilliam: Oh, just fucking you really hard up your ass.
 * Squidward: You are no great sh**, Squilliam Fancyson. Anyone can be a big dick in a hick town like Bikini Bottom.
 * Squilliam: Let’s hear what you’ve accomplished since high school, Squiddy.
 * Squidward: (thinking to himself) Don’t be intimidated, Squidward. Try to imagine him in his underwear. (imagines Squilliam as a hot underwater model) Fucking sexy ass! (to Squilliam) I’m, uhh, in food service.
 * Squilliam: Hold it, don’t tell me. You’re a piece of shit! (laughs)
 * Squidward: (thinking to himself) Don’t lie. Lying always makes it worse. (to Squilliam) I own a cleveland steamer!
 * Squilliam: Squidward, I had no idea you were such a success.
 * Squidward: That’s right.
 * Squilliam: And I would be honored if you would allow me to come to your cleveland steamer… tonight. (glass breaks. Squidward's nose shrinks)
 * Squidward: T-t-t-t-t-t-tonight?
 * Squilliam: In fact, we’ll all cum. We'll all cum. We'll all cum, cum, cum. On my chest! (group cheers. Scene cuts to Squidward in Mr. Krabs' office)
 * Squidward: Please, Mr. Krabs, you got to f*** me! When they get here tonight, they’re going to see I’m just a big f***** and a loser!
 * Mr. Krabs: Oh, boo-hoo! Let me play a sad song for you on the world’s smallest violin. (moves his fingers and music plays)
 * Squidward: This is serious.
 * Mr. Krabs: I know, this really is the world’s smallest violin. (violin is shown) See.
 * Squidward: Mr. Krabs! Please let me fuck you for just one night! I really need to f*** Squilliam.
 * Mr. Krabs: That guy who made shit doing what you wish you could do?
 * Squidward: Don’t rub it in.
 * Mr. Krabs: Why didn’t you f*** me? We’ll take him to the cleaners.
 * (scene cuts to SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs standing straight in a line. Squidward is walking back and forth in a white tuxedo)
 * Squidward: Alright, listen up. Men, Squilliam Fancyson will be here in twenty minutes. Therefore, we need to turn the Krusty Krab into a cleveland steamer as soon as possible. (Patrick appears next to SpongeBob with an army hat on his head) Patrick, what are you doing here?
 * Patrick: Fucking you really hard, sir!
 * Squidward: What the...Patrick, this isn’t the... oh! (sighs) Beggars can’t be ****ers. Can you take balls in a dignified and sophisticated manner?
 * Patrick: You mean like a dick? Ok. (talks like a dick) May I take your balls, sir? May I-...
 * Squidward: (shuts Patrick up) Alright, I’ve heard enough. You’ve got the job. (walks off) Mr. Krabs, didn’t you once serve on the S.S. Big Ass?


 * Mr. Krabs: Aye-aye!
 * Squidward: Then you’ll be our chef. (Mr. Krabs walks off)
 * SpongeBob: What can I ****?
 * Squidward: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but SpongeBob, you’re going to have to be the boner.
 * SpongeBob: What’s that?
 * Squidward: It’s the guy who goes to tables and takes shit. Now listen, Squilliam is on his way and you have less than twenty minutes to become a fancy boner, so read this. (hands SpongeBob a book)
 * SpongeBob: "How To Become a Fancy boner in Less Than 20 Minutes." Don’t worry Squidward, I’ll memorize every page.
 * Squidward: Alright, I’ve got all the positions filled. I just might pull this off!
 * Patrick: Give me that balls! (shaking a coat rack) I said give it to me! Are you going to hand it over or not? Don’t you f*** me! (jumps on and starts punching it)
 * Squidward: He’s just the hat-check guy, nothing essential! (an explosion and a fart in the kitchen is heard. A bunch of green goop flies out) What happened? What is it?
 * Mr. Krabs: Pee! (a can of peas, still in the can, is on the stove)
 * Squidward: Mr. Krabs... (gasps) Holy f***, what is that!!? (notices a giant goop of food on the grill, with flies and other things sticking out of it)
 * Mr. Krabs: That’s the "oh shit".
 * Squidward: But I thought you said you were the head chef on the S.S. Big Ass?
 * Mr. Krabs: Did I say that? No, I cleaned the cock on the Big Ass; I was the head chef on the S.S. Buttcheeks. (Squidward walks out of the kitchen)
 * Squidward: There you are! SpongeBob, you gotta help me! (walks over to SpongeBob) Squilliam’s almost here, and, and... SpongeBob? (turns SpongeBob around. SpongeBob looks like a zombie, tired from reading all the pages)
 * SpongeBob: I can’t do it. I can’t do it, Squidward...
 * SpongeBob: Every sentence, every paragraph -- (slams the book on his face) Dick! Dick! Cock! Dick! Don’t you understand? (brain starts to swell) My dick is full to bursting! If I have to memorize a single order, I think I’m going to skeet skeet skeet"! (he explodes)
 * Squidward: SpongeBob, hold on! Let’s just take a shit. (SpongeBob lowers his arms and farts) Little more. (SpongeBob lowers his arms and farts more) Little more. (SpongeBob’s face falls to the floor and farts again) Good. Now, I want to fuck your ass.
 * SpongeBob: Fuck my ass?
 * Squidward: Fuck your ass.
 * SpongeBob: Fuck my ass...
 * Squidward: Fuck your ass with fine dining. Fine dining and ****'. (inside SpongeBob’s head, we see a bunch of other SpongeBob’s working on computers in an office)
 * SpongeBob #1: (Runs into the office) Just got an order from the boss: F*** everything that isn’t about fine dining!
 * All: Oh shit!
 * SpongeBob #1: Everything! (everyone starts to panic and throw everything away) Come on, let’s get moving! (walks up to another SpongeBob) Hurry up! What do you think I’m f***ing you for?
 * SpongeBob #2: You don’t f*** me. We don’t even ****.
 * SpongeBob #1: Fuck you!
 * SpongeBob #2: No, please! I have three balls! (more dumping persists. Scene cuts back to SpongeBob, with a blank look on his face)
 * Squidward: How do you feel? ...SpongeBob? (snaps his tentacles as SpongeBob drools) This isn’t ****ing! I gotta go tell Squilliam I need more time! (runs out the door) I’ll just go to Squilliam’s house and tell him... (stops because he sees Squilliam and the group) Squilliam, you’re here!
 * Squilliam: Hello, Squiddy! (Squidward steps back) We’re all ready to be ****ed by your cleveland steamer.
 * Squidward: Wait, Squilliam, I’ve got to explain!
 * Squilliam: Explain what? That you, Squidward Tentacles, voted most likely to suck dick in high school, (walks in) are trying to pass off a lousy piece of shit as a five-star... (gulps) ...cleveland steamer!? (inside of the restaurant looks very professional with nice wallpaper, an orchestra, a chandelier, and other things) Hommina, hommina, hommina, hommina, hommina... (Squidward and the group start to stammer as well. SpongeBob comes in with a tuxedo on)
 * SpongeBob: Table for Hommina? I can f*** you immediately! (picks up the group of customers)
 * Squidward: (whispering) How did you do all this?
 * SpongeBob: Up your ass.
 * SpongeBob:Right this way, please. (seats everyone quickly then runs back to Squilliam) Fuck you!  (gives Squilliam a menu) From our menu tonight, might I recommend the Krabby Newburg? (gives Squilliam a shoulder massage as he takes away his menu) We take the finest cuts of dick, imported kelp, stuff them with cock from our ass, wrap them in parchment with our award-winning sh**, slow-roast them for six hours in our wood-fired, clay-filled oven, or kiva and serve them with a garnish of wilted coral on a mahogany plank. (While telling him all of this, he makes Squilliam's experience the best he can so he treats him like royalty doing all sorts of things)
 * Squilliam: Mmm...this is fantastic!
 * SpongeBob: (saluts with all the hands that helped) Thank you, sir.
 * Squidward: It worked. I can’t believe it! Squilliam thinks I own a five-star cleveland steamer. Time to rub it in his face. (SpongeBob is combing Squilliam's unibrow) Well Squilliam, I’m waiting.
 * Squilliam: Take off your blouse, ,and your underpants!
 * Squidward: In that case, I need you to read this. (hands Squilliam a card)
 * Squilliam: Uhh, "Squidward Tentacles..."
 * Squidward: (puts a foam finger on his left hand) And I need you to wear this.
 * Squilliam: Oh, eh, "Squidward Tentacles has the fanciest-"...
 * Squidward: (puts a microphone in front of Squilliam) I’m sorry, one more time. (Squilliam’s voice is over the loudspeaker)
 * Squilliam: "Squidward Tentacles has the cleveland steamer...and he does not suck dick." (everyone cheer) Squidward, I must tell you... (SpongeBob pours more water in Squilliam's glass. Squilliam drinks it) F*** you. What really won me over was your brilliant boner. It’s as if all he knows is fine dining...and ****. I must know your ass. (record scratches)
 * SpongeBob: My ass?
 * Squilliam: Yes, your ass.
 * SpongeBob: Uhh...having sex with me?
 * Squilliam: (chuckles) No, your ass.
 * SpongeBob: My ass? (zoom inside of SpongeBob’s brain again where all the SpongeBob’s are searching for a name)
 * SpongeBob #3: What's his ass? What's his ass? I've got nothing on a ass.
 * SpongeBob #4: (searching on the computer) C'mon, baby, what's the ass? (Computer burns, panicked shouting is heard as all the SpongeBob’s are running around and paper is flying)
 * SpongeBob #2: We threw out his ass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (SpongeBob’s brain breaks in half causing SpongeBob to spill water on Squilliam and bark)
 * Squidward: I am so very sorry! I don’t know what has gotten into that... (screams as he notices SpongeBob with a bowl of green goo by one of the customers)
 * SpongeBob: More soup for your dick? (holds up the customers arm and throws the soup on his armpits. The customer screams as SpongeBob runs over to another customer) Would you like some **** on that, sir? (picks up the customer and uses him on the cheese grater. Everyone screams and panics)
 * Squidward: No, no! (Patrick, still tied up, runs out of the kitchen. Mr. Krabs, still tied up, runs out, also)
 * Mr. Krabs: Run for your lives, everyone! It’s the "oh shit"! (the "oh shit", on the grill, is alive and is crawling around while everyone screams and panics. Squidward's tuxedo ripped off and his Krusty Krab hat floats into his head and his nametag appears on his shirt)
 * Squilliam: Well Squiddy, I’m waiting.
 * Squidward: Ok, I admit it, I’m a f***er! This was all a futile, pathetic attempt to impress you. This isn’t really my cleveland steamer. I’m just a piece of shit!
 * Squilliam: Squidward, I understand. I have a confession to make myself. I made everything up about my life. I have no dick, cock, or anything. I was only trying to f*** you. The horrible, sad truth is, I’m a piece of shit, too! (starts to cry. Mr. Krabs plays the violin)
 * Squidward: Is that true?
 * Squilliam: Of course not! I’m fucking you really hard! Come on, everyone. Let’s all take a ride in my big ass balls! (everyone cheers and follows Squilliam. The wallpaper in the Krusty Krab rips off. Squidward sits down and sighs)
 * (Mr. Krabs walks over and plays the violin)
 * Squidward: Fuck You!!!